Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

the three genders

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.