Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

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Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”


When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.


[at 10pm]


MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?

ME: Could you wash these jeans?

MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?

ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!


Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…


I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.


Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste


You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.


[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier


FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago