@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

You Might Also Like

@brianbatescomic

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

@svnsxtional

I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.

@deardilettante

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

@TitansHomer

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

@portmanteauface

Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there

@Just__J0

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

@OneFunnyMummy

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

@MartaEffing

My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.

I sure hope he asks me out again.