@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

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@TheIntComShow

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

@CerebralWreck

According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.

@PeachCoffin

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

@Vodkantots

Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

@DevonESawa

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

@JediGigi

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

@tlemco

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

@stephenjmolloy

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”