Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.
I sure hope he asks me out again.