What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”