Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Peace was never an option
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.