Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.