Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY