Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
You Might Also Like
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
Mad Max: Furry Road
I bet birds love this building.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste