Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.