Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

The sacred texts.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!