Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park