Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I have questions??
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Everyone’s family
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Haha! 😂
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?