Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Who.
Did.
This?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”