Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
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im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.