Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

He died doing what he loved: being alive

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.