Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”