Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

anyone else like Italian cereal

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

I’m ready for Halloween this year

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”