Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
You Might Also Like
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird