Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
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People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
omg leave her alone
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal