Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

I used the label maker

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE