Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

he’ll never suspect a thing

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…