Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH