him: *dying* avenge me


widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy


[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.


My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.


If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer


It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.


*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later


Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.


If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.