@MarfSalvador

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

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@AmericanGent69

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

@jdforshort

[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.

@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

@dumbbeezie

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

@HatfieldAnne

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

@whatmaddness

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

@Jarhead44

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

@LnL245

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.