him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
😆this is so true
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.