Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
him: *dying* avenge me
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[updating CW’s iPhone]
M: You need more gigs
CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job
Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.