@MarfSalvador

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

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@writerPT

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

@FatherWithTwins

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

@JessObsess

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

@pixelatedboat

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

@Tylerosis

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@TheGabbieShow

i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me

@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

@rikpayne

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

@LeBearGirdle

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss