No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
him: *dying* avenge me
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss