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@MarfSalvador: him: *dying* avenge me
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
@KKAlThani: David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.
@slooberbie: One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
@RodLacroix: Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I'm on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Notice how women didn't complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
@rockymomax: Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good