him: *dying* avenge me


widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.


*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace


If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.


“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein


Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.


i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me


me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175


I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…


Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss