Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands