Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.