Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will