Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.