Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

“you changed” bro i was 15

Sir!!

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.