Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
This made me smile…
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.