Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.