Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Joseph Smith, 1833

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

Candles never taste the way they smell

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Bring back the McRib

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.