Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️