Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
money maker
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
