Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.