Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

Doug is just Canadian for dog

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Name this drama.

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5