Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
I’ve been learning to cook.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure