Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
You Might Also Like
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.