Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
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I’m being attacked 😭
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.