Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

The old gods are rising again.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

This chloroform smells expensiv…

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.