HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

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4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…


Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….


Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.


[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*


My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird


People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.


DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*


I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.


Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.


MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird


Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”

And I’m just like…….
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