4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!
FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?
CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”
And I’m just like…….