HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones