@chuuew

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

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@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@SirEviscerate

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

@wife_housy

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

@AndyJokedAgain

Anyone who can spell ‘gonorrhea’ on the first try has probably had it several times

@DraggingFeeties

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

@RodLacroix

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

@Its_Just_Reese

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

@AlanFelyk

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

@SocialustGal13

My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.