TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Me: I work from home.
You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!
Me: I also live at work.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.
If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…