Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

ㅤ

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us