Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.