Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Roses are red, you always mattered,

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.