Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
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Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.