Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

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Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs


Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.


Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?


[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?


If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.


Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. “Attempt 7 of 25”.


Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”


I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.


It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”


[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother