Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”