Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
You Might Also Like
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”