Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/Fu9NmG2XgAUlERL.mp4

ㅤ

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way