Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

A Monday every week is excessive

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

How did we not see this back then?

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*