him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
wishing you and yours all the best
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding