Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.