HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
a McRib killed my tapeworm
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
