HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My dog ate my work from home.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫