Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.