him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
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I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account