Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE