Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.