Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

as is their right

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.