Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
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[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.