Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Body by burrito
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
another case of gang violins
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter