The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My 4 yr old nephew’s hobby horse is called ‘my noble Steve’ because he misheard the word ‘steed’ and I am dying.
1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.