Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
hmmm
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses