Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.