Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Twitter fine art
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
so i’m at the stock market right
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree