Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out