Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.