Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.