Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.