Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
The cycle continues
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
